Good days and bad days

14.02pm - There are going to be good days and bad days, yesterday was a good day and today has been a good day, not because anything spectacular happened, but just because I coped better. Trevor's condition has not really changed, but being under sedation makes him calmer and more peaceful. I was glad that this morning when we visited he opened his eyes quite a few times and that made me relieved. Luckily also this morning I had a lot of things to tell Trevor, so that gave me something to do when I was visiting with him. Something else that makes today a good day, is finding out that Trevor's brother is probably coming here from England to see Trevor and all of us. I know that will mean a lot to Trevor.

Oh and I did my run today :) I told myself yesterday that today I was going to start running again (first time since Wednesday) and I did...not much, it was 1.42km's in a time of 9.42mins...its a start. I'm going to try do it every day, but if my legs can't handle that, then three times a week.
Yesterday Matthew came up with a very good idea. He suggested we ask people to write Trevor messages and things (preferably handwritten but even emailed would be good) and that we put it in a scrap book, so that when Trevor is able, he can look through it. Matthew has started asking people for messages and I bought a scrap book today.

A while ago, my daughter Nicole offered me a fish tank (I love tropical fish) and I was all excited about it, but at the time, Trevor said we can't have it, because we have no place for it....now strictly speaking, thats not true, we could have found a place for it, but at the time I let it go. This morning, I told Trevor that he has to get well soon, because now that he's not home he can't stop me from getting the fish tank, so when he gets back there will be fish firmly ensconsed in the house :) I find watching fish very relaxing and I know although Trevor will probably moan about it when he comes home, he will end up loving the fish even more than I do...lol thats what always happens. So today when shopping, Seleste wanted to go to the pet shop to get dog food, so Nicole and I went to look at the fish and I fell in love with green spotted puffer fish...they were so cute and when we walked from one side of their tank to the other side they followed us :)

16.34pm - *sigh* well, it looks like the puffer fish, no matter how cute, won't be in my fishtank, they are difficult to care for and don't always 'play nice'. Apparently other fish in a tank with them can 'disappear' or have the fins or tails chewed. They also need salty water and the water needs to be changed frequently etc...thats too much work that I don't need now. I also read that you need to feed them snails to keep their beaks sharp.... :( shame poor snails...so no puffer fish.

Yesterday and today, I have been remarkably calm and felt strong and able to cope with things which is a blessing. I must just say a very special thank you to my brother Kenny....I won't say why here, but he knows why.

I took a break and didn't go to the 3pm visiting session, but apparently Trevor had been given pain medication and so was very much asleep...so that makes me feel easier about not having been there. As much as I want to go to every visiting hour I can, I know that this is going to be a LONG process, so I need to make sure I take breaks from things, so that I don't overstress myself because if I fall apart, I won't be any good to Trevor or anyone else and the last thing I want is to have my family worrying about me too. So its all about moving forward and looking after myself...running, because I know Trevor would want me to keep doing it and because it helps keep me fit and strong....eating, because I haven't been doing that much of that and I know its bad for me, especially if I'm starting to run more.

My drivers licence is on my to do list too. Its something I've put off for years, because Trevor was always there to drive me where I needed to go, but now I need to be the one driving him around in the future. My sister, Colleen has told me she will take me to book my learners licence as that is the first step and my neighbour Melinda says she knows someone who does driving lessons and will find out about that for me. So hopefully in the not too distant future, I will be a driver.

This whole situation has made me realize what truely wonderful family and friends I have and I am feeling so blessed. One of Seleste's friends, Kim, sent a really beautiful flower arrangement to Trevor, which certainly brightened up the day and I read the card out to him. Later, I realized there was a competition at the botton, so I posted a pic of the arrangement on the NetFlorist fb page in the hope that we might be lucky and win the prize, if we do, I'm sure that will please Trevor.

 

20.44pm - Aside from the fact that the cute puffer fish won't work out, this day just keeps having more positives in it. The visit with Trevor this evening was wonderful. He seemed relaxed most of the time, he was more awake and even responded to things we said a couple of times by nodding or shaking his head slightly, so I kind of feel on a bit of a high right now :)

Then on the way home, I saw on our whatsapp chat that my daughter Seleste was making some plans to organize some runners to run a race in Trevor's honor. The race I think is called the one run and Trevor and Seleste had entered. Seleste has organised entries for some other family members and arranged for my son Matthew to take over Trevor's entry to run for him. Quite a few people are joining in the idea of running the race in his honour and as Trevor is an avid runner I know this is something that will please him.

So many people are praying for Trevor and our family and each wonderful thing like this that happens I know is answers to those prayers.



May the 4th be with you

7.57am - I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is think of Trevor and cry :( Today I made the mistake of trying to do some research on google about injuries like Trevor's, but eventually I could no longer read from the tears in my eyes, so I decided that now wasn't the time, the information from the doctor is all I can deal with right now.

Trevor and I had been going to the local trim park three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...doing a long walk there, doing some exercise on the machines and then running (most of the way) back, obviously that didn't happen on Friday and knowing that I haven't been eating or sleeping much, and that I tend to cry often, I decided that the usual trim park session would be too much, so I thought I might just do a run around the block, which Trevor and I had done on occasion on a Tuesday and/or Thursday. Our exercise time was normally 8.30am, but today I am going to see a counselor at 9.15am, so I will try do my run later. Now more than ever, I realize that its important that I need to keep fit and strong, because Trevor will be needing me.

Although I am looking forward to seeing him later this morning, I'm also dreading it, because it will be the first time we visit him since the ventilator was inserted. He won't be able to speak to us and I know that will make him even more frustrated and depressed :( I feel so desperate and devastated, but I know I can't fall apart now, Trevor needs me and will need me more in the future, so I just keep plodding on, trying to do things to keep me going. I'd like to say that doing things takes my mind off what happened, but it doesn't, its in my mind constantly and the only respite I get is when I sporadically sleep in the night.

12.46pm - Got back from visiting Trevor...its so hard to see him like that, so still, so quiet. He is under light sedation because of the ventilator, but because we believe he can still hear us, we keep talking to him. When I see him like that...I find it so difficult to know what to say, so I make sure I hold his hand, or stroke his arm or shoulder or face, just so he knows I'm there and can feel my touch even if I'm not continually talking to him.

4.30pm - This afternoons visit was a bit less stressful for me, Trevor being under sedation is a mixed blessing....on one hand, I want him to be able to talk with us, but on the other hand, I know that him being sedated is more rest for him and also it makes it a bit less stressful for me. This is the first day since it happened, that I've been more calm and I've only cried a few times today, so thats an improvment for me. I was very pleased to see that when we visited Trevor that they had his bed propped up a bit, a folded towel under his head to raise it slightly and they had taken away the props they had on either side of his head. To me, thats a very good sign and it eased my mind a bit. His boss has also assured us that he is taking care of things on that side and will see that we are looked after and that they will pay for any councelling we might need, so that is another thing that eased my mind.
I've been to every visiting hour since this happened, so as Trevor is sedated now, I decided that I will skip this evenings visit so that I can get some R & R that I need to keep my strength and spirits up.

Can we go now

3/5/15 13.20pm - "Can we go now" Trevor asking me that today just broke my heart, I want him to be more aware and talkative, but the more aware and talkative he is, the more I know he is aware of his situation and the more bored and frustrated and depressed he would be. It wasn't bad enough he said it once, he said it a few times and knowing that the meds etc are probably making him a bit confused, each time he asked, I had to patiently explain to him that we couldn't go just yet, that we had to let him heal and listen to the doctors who say he needs to stay and get well. I said it calmly, when all I wanted to do was cry :( and eventually because others were at his bed, I just had to walk out, down the passage and just let the tears flow.

I've seen so many tv shows or movies where people go through things like this and I've always known it was difficult, but you don't quite grasp it, until its you and your family going through it yourselves. I try to joke a bit with him to try keep his mood up, but I know its going to be more and more difficult as time goes on. The better he feels, the more he is going to be thinking about what the future holds and the more he is going to ask and know about his situation, that scares me so much. I've suffered from depression, I know what its like and I'd give anything to be able to save him from that, but I know depression will be part of this and we will all have to help him through it.

16.38pm - I went to visit Trevor again this afternoon. The male nurse looking after him is so sweet (he hugged me this morning because I looked upset) and told us today that they tried to put a feeding tube into Trevor's stomach to feed him, because he's not eating well. They weren't successful with it, so he said they would try again later after visiting time. Trevor's frustration is showing again, he clearly told me today "Can't go anywhere, can't do anything" and my heart sinks. I feel so helpless because sometimes he says things very clearly and other times he says things to me and no matter how hard I listen I just can't understand/hear what he is saying...that makes me want to cry and I feel so frustrated because he's trying to tell me something and I don't know what and then I feel worse, because I'm sure he's frustrated because I don't know what he wants to tell me.

What keeps me going is that I know that every day his body is healing, even if we don't see signs of it and every day, is one day closer to the next 'milestone' I am rooting for and that is him being able to sit up more, so he can at least see what is going on around him and watch some tv. I know that will at least lessen his boredom. THAT, is my goalpost at the moment...its what I am aiming for at this stage...just for him to at least be able to sit up more.

There are so many pictures being posted by the members of the rescue team on fb and today I asked one of Trevor's fellow Hikers Network team members, Anwaaz to collect all the pics and to keep them somewhere in one folder, so that later when Trevor is able, if he wants to, he can see all the pics himself.

Visiting Trevor is awesome but at the same time, its very stressful. I want to see him, but I feel under pressure when there.....to not cry......to think of things to talk about.....to try make him feel better......to not say something that will make him feel worse etc etc Its so difficult to see him just lying there...Trevor never just lies around, he was always doing something...

9pm - This is so hard, I know its petty that I say its so hard, when things are so much worse for Trevor, but every day just brings more heartache. He has fluid building up in his lungs, so he has to go on a ventilator now to help him to breathe (they are doing that as I type this) and to clear the fluid. When we visited him they had an oxygen mask on his nose and mouth and he asked me to take it off. We explained that it couldn't be taken off, because it was helping him to breathe, but he kept saying "Take it off, take it off" the more I explained I couldn't the more he kept repeating it angrilly "take it off, take it off". I have tried so hard not to cry when I'm with him, but that was just too much for Nicole and I to handle and we both were crying. I feel so awful, he's asking me to help him and I can't do what he's asking....how does someone deal with that....I feel like a horrible person. I know I couldn't do what he wanted, but it was the one thing he asked of me and I had to refuse him....What makes matters worse, is that I know there are only going to be more and more of moments like that, and I'm dreading them....

His emotional state is not good and until that improves, only family will be allowed to visit. I don't want him subjected to too many other visitors when he is struggling to cope with his own situation. He has enough to deal with now....its enough that we tell him all the time that everyone is thinking of him and sending him wishes and praying for him. I know that all his friends will understand, that this is for his own emotional well being. We know they all want to see him, but he has to come first. We will keep on passing on all your well wishes to him so he knows you are all thinking of him all the time.

Another day Sun 3/5/15

7.20am: Last night I resorted to taking a sleeping tablet, because although I felt tired, it was not the kind of tired that would enable me to sleep. What I didn't expect was how the tablet would affect me (I've taken them before), within about 20mins of me taking it I was wobbly on my feet and it seemed to my eyes like everything was moving, even the walls *sigh*. I staggered to bed and slept like a log until about 6.15am. My last thoughts at night are of Trevor and my first thought in the morning.

There have been times in the past when he has gone on weekend hikes or other reasons why he wasn't here.....but this feels so different. The house feels so empty and often I turn round to say something to him and then remember he isn't here :( but yet when I visit him and see him lying there, my throat seems to close up and my mind goes blank and I just want to cry and have to use all the willpower I have to stop myself from crying. My brain seems to struggle to find a thread of thought....anything I can talk to him about, but it feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Then when I do have a thought, I worry about if its something I should be talking to him about or not.

He's been getting very annoyed about the moles coming up in our backyard and yesterday morning when I went to feed the cat, there was a molehill and my first thought was "oh boy, Trevor is going to be so mad" and then of course as usual, I cried, because Trevor isn't here to deal with the mole. When I visited him, I debated if I should mention it or not...but in the end decided to make a bit of a joke about it, telling him I found a mole hill and get must get better soon so he can deal with the mole. Of course, now I sit and worry if I should have done that or not. This is all new territory to me....I never know what its best to say or not say :(

So many things mill around in my mind, silly little things and the bigger things that might need to be deal with in the near future and the slightly more distant future. So I worry about things like keeping the car running (I don't drive) and that made me realize that I will now HAVE to get my licence *sigh*. I worry about his leave from work....normal sick leave is easy to know what to do....but this is a whole new ballgame. I know that Trevor will most likely be in a wheelchair, hopefully that will only be temporary, but at this point we dont know, so even though that isn't things we need to really worry about yet...its still a worry that is going on in my mind. Is our house okay for a wheelchair, is there anything we'll have to change.

I know I should just deal with one thing at a time, but my mind keeps bombarding me with these thoughts and I can't seem to stop it. Right now my focus is to get Trevor new glasses....thats something I know how to handle and the process has been started. When I told him I was going to get him new glasses, he told me not to worry about that and I know he probably feels he doesn't need them....but he will....as he gets better I know it will frustrate him to not be able to see well and by the time he feels he wants them...I should have them ready for him.

It feels like its been a week, but its only been a few days :( and irrationally I look at strangers living their daily lives, smiling, laughing, doing all those normal things and I get angry with them, it seems to unfair that they all just go on with their lives, when our lives feel like they have halted. I know its a stupid thought, but I still think it, I just can't seem to help it.

We always joke about the 'Ward OCD problem' and how fixated Trevor gets on things, but I am counting on that to help him get through this. I am counting on him getting fixated on his recovery and a bit later, fixated on physiotherapy and rehab and that that will help him create the miracle we are all praying for.

Day Two

 

 

 

Its day two and I've visited Trevor three times today. He seems more alert, a bit more talkative and saying some things that make him sound more like the Trevor we all know and love. This afternoon he told me he was bored, which definately means he's more himself. This evening, I joked with him and told him that this is a pathetic way to try and get out of hanging the new backdoor that we had bought. Matthew then said he would hang the door and Trevor told him 'not to F it up' LOL so he's definately a bit more himself. It awesome how family and friends are all rallying around to keep our spirits up with messages. At the moment only family are allowed to visit him, but when he is feeling better, then more friends will be allowed to visit.

A couple of 'stories' to do with all this. One of our friends that was hiking with them when Trevor fell, was so anxious and upset when she messaged her Mom to let her know what happened, that she actually cracked the screen of her phone. The other thing happened this evening when we went to visit Trevor. The sister at the hospital told me that a man had phoned asking for details about Trevor, but their policy is not to tell anyone information, so she took down his name and number. She told me the man told her that him and his son had been hiking on the mountain when it happened and then I realized it must have been the guy who was apparently below Trevor when he fell, so him and his teenage son had seen Trevor fall past them. When Matthew and Seleste told me about that yesterday, as worried as I was about Trevor, I was VERY concerned for the mans son who had seen what happened, I realized that it must have been traumatic for him and it stayed in my mind, because I thought we had no way of knowing if his son was okay after seeing it, so it was a godsend that he traced the hospital Trevor was in. When Matthew brought me home, he phoned the guy and was able to at least tell him how Trevor was doing and could ask him how him and his son were doing too. They were quite traumatised by it, but I think they will get a bit of relief now they actually could find out how Trevor was and the guy said he will keep in touch with Matthew.
Everything might not always be in any kind of chronological order, because I will probably ramble on about things as I think about them. I at least managed to eat something today, so that was a positive for me.
When this happened, I knew Trevor would never forgive me if I didn't take some pics, so I took some from where I was as they brought him down, I will attach a few of those here. ( I hope the pics show, because its not easy to figure this out)
http://www.netwerk24.com/nuus/2015-05-02-stapper-val-15m-ver-in-digte-mis-op-tafelberg-roete

  

 

  

A new day (initially posted 2 May 2015)

I'm starting this blog, because I need to talk about things and say things and I know I won't always want to worry my family with it. Writing and the written word are my way of working through things, so this is my way of doing that...working through things and also to let family and friends know what is going on, without having to continually repeat things...which at this point only makes me cry.
Yesterday my husband, Trevor, had a fall while hiking. He's a seasoned hiker, who spent a lot of time on the mountain, we do not know exactly what happened, even though family and friends were with him, including my eldest daughter Seleste and my son Matthew, but they didn't see exactly what happened.
I was not with them and when Seleste, phoned me, at first I thought she was playing a joke on me (Trevor is part of a mountain rescue group and we always joked that he must never fall, because it will be embarassing for a rescuer to be rescued), when I realized she wasn't joking, all I could do was cry and my mind went blank and I had no idea what to do....but then I realized I was still in my pajamas so I should probably get dressed. By the time I got clothes ready, my younger daughter, Nicole had arrived at my house with her boyfriend, Kevin (they had not gone on the hike and Seleste had phoned her to tell her to come to me) and I asked them to take me to the bottom of Table Mountain, which is the mountain they were hiking on.
The news I had at that point, was vague and I knew it was a fairly bad fall and that he had a laceration on his head and it seemed that his shoulder was dislocated, but that he was conscious and talking. When I got over the first shock of what happened, I was not too concerned, I was thinking...okay, its a concussion, he will probably have to spend the night in hospital and have his shoulder strapped up.
The rescue team, Skymed, Metro Rescue Hikers Network and the Mountain Club of South Africa (forgive me if I've left anyone out), were all awesome. They were so concerned for Trevor and for all of us. Thank goodness for cellphones and whatsapp, because it helped me keep in touch with Seleste and Matthew on the mountain and with everyone else. There was quite a long wait till Trevors extration from the mountain could be arranged, but with him involved in mountain rescue, I knew all that was involved which took time.
When the chopper landed and I could finally see Trevor, that was when my panic really started. He was so pale and seemed to struggle to open his eyes when I spoke to him and his eyes were rolling back in his head....it was then that I had the feeling that things could maybe be worse than I had thought, but what the 'worse' might be...my mind just refused to comprehend. Nicole, Kevin and I followed the amulance to the hospital and then was more waiting, while Trevor's condition was assessed by the trauma doctor. After a lengthy and worrying wait, during which more family and friends arrived, including Matthew and Seleste who had had to walk down to mountain before they could come to the hospital, we finally got news from the doctor and it wasn't good news.
He told us that Trevor's condition was serious and that at that point in time, it seemed that he might be quadraplegic, but that they had called in a neurosurgeon for a consult. I'm sure all the blood drained from my face and I suddenly realized the full horror of this and that my thoughts of an overnight stay and strapped shoulder was way too far from reality. I didn't know what to say and in my head I just kept thinking it was some bad dream, that they must be wrong, that this is NOT something that would happen to Trevor. I think the only thing that kept me going, was that thought that it surely must be wrong...this can't be happening...Trevor is a hiker, a runner, an active person....this just can't happen to him...it just can't.
Later, we got more news....there was damage to the vertebrae in Trevor's neck and some swelling of the spinal cord, we were told that he seemed to have movement in his arms, but that we need to be aware, that full recovery of mobility with an injury like this was rare. Rare...that is the word that is keeping us all going I think...that means, there is still hope, even if its slight.
The neurosurgeon was great, he explained things in a way that was easy for us to grasp and later in the surgical ICU, the sisters were all great too and the anesthesiast too. All that helped a lot. Trevor was operated on in a 3.5 hour surgery to try to at least realign the vertabrae a bit more normally and the surgeon was happy with how it went.
Now comes the waiting game and many, many visits to the hospital. We have been told that it will be about 5 days in ICU, then a stay in the general ward and after that rehab, but it looks like it will be at least 3 months before he might come home again. At this point, I'm not sure how much Trevor has compreheneded about what happened and his condition, I'm hoping he will be more aware when we go visit him today.
I have done a lot of crying....when I go on fb and see the comments and messages...it gives me comfort, but each comment or message also makes me cry more....such stupid silly things make me cry now. Yesterday, just before all this happened, I had filled the sink to do dishes and when I got up this morning after having only about 2 hours of sleep, I decided that was something that had to get dealt with, but even something as silly as washing Trevor's mug just made me cry. Then I remembered that last night I had put the washing that has been wet in the washing machine into the tumble dryer, so I went to get it out and some of Trevor's clothes were in there, so of course, I cried again...then as I sorted out the washing...I suddenly realized that it might be a while before I need to wash any of Trevor's clothes again and so yet again I started crying.
I gave up for a bit and made a cup of tea, but then remembered that Trevor's glasses were lost on the mountain, so I needed to see if I could find his previous pair for him to wear. I seached high low in the house in all the places Trevor puts his things, but all I could find was a VERY old pair of glasses from too many years ago, at that point I just sat down on the floor and sobbed. I feel so helpless...I know what its like to not see well (I wear glasses too) and I can't even help him with that....nothing I can do can help him. I know when he is more aware, I can ask him where his glasses are and bring them to him or get him new ones....but it kinda devastates me that I can't even do the simplest thing to make him more comfortable.
I know that in the days and weeks to come there are going to be many such moments for me and for all of us and its just something we will all have to help each other through...There were a few times I broke down and cried yesterday at the scene and later at the hospital, but I find it difficult to cry when everyone needs to feel strong....its when I'm alone that I feel I can freely cry as much as I want without making people worry more. I know they won't mind if I cry in front of them....but this is who I am....I'm the person who prefers to cry alone and be strong when others are around....its the reason I asked to be alone when I got home last night....I needed that time to just be able to cry without anyone worrying about me, we all have enough to worry about right now.

Long time no blog

Well, its been a long time since I've written anything here LOL

We bought a new tent yesterday, so looking forward to going camping at Palmiet at the end of this month as we haven't been camping for a long time.

This is the tent we bought. I like it because it has a built in gazebo/veranda. It can be opened on all three sides or closed on all three or any variations thereof, so its easy to stop wind/sun etc but still have some open hair in front of the tent. The actual 'room' part of the tent, is a bit smaller than our previous tent but big enough for our blow up mattrass and our bags etc. I can't wait to use it.

I've also been finding some braai/camping recipes so we can try some new things, instead of the same old braai and toasted sarmies all the time. I've found some good ones to try. I'll blog about them after I've tried them so you know if they are worth it or not.