Moving forward in more ways than one

I haven't blogged for a while, because there wasn't always that much to tell, so let me give some updates.

Trevor is now fully off the ventilator and has been for quite a while now. They put the 'talking pipe' in his tracheoscopy and capped it, so he can now talk but his voice is still quite quiet and he's struggling a bit talking because his throat is very sore.

Today the ent came to see him and says his vocal cords are not working correctly yet...personally, I think its because his throat is always so darn sore from the feeding tube which goes through his nose and into his stomach. The good news about that though, is that they are thinking of doing a minor surgery to put his feeding tube directly into is stomach, which means they will be able to remove the tube and hopefully his throat will be able to recover.

Trevor has been asking for a while to get his hair cut and I was hoping to do it when he got to rehab, but seeing as his trip to rehab has been delayed, Seleste contacted a mobile hairdresser she knows and the lady, Cindy came to the hospital today and washed his hair and cut it nicely. LOL he said he wanted a GI Joe haircut and its pretty close, very short, just how he likes it. Thanks so much Cindy, we really appreciate it.

My news is that I passed my learners licence and my drivers test is booked for 26 June. I would have preferred to wait a bit more, but that was the earliest in advance they could give me when I booked it.  Not much time at all, but my instructor is convinced it won't be a problem and I'm having quite a few double lessons before then to get ready. My first lesson was today and we did alley docking and it all went well. I didn't hit any poles or even get close to them from both sides, I did it very well and my instructor was quite pleased.  :) I was very stressed but I'm sure that as time goes on, it will get easier.

Trevor told me that I must take the St Christoper from our cars keys with me when I drive, but as Matthew is using the car, we didn't want to do that, so today I bought a small silver St Christoper to keep me safe and because its what Trevor wanted :)

Oh...and on Tuesday, I ran 3km for the first time :) Quite proud of myself.

Good days :)

Yesterday, when we went to visit Trevor we found him sitting up in a lazyboy recliner chair and were so pleased. Then today when we went to visit at 3pm we found that they had put the 'talking pipe' into the tracheotomy so that he could actually talk to us. We were all thrilled :D Sometimes he spoke quite clearly and other times a bit softly and it was difficult to hear, but it was just so nice for him to be able to talk to us. What made me most emotional, was when I left and he told me he loves me <3 I always tell him I love him when I leave him, but to hear him say it to me after so long was just so great. He also seemed very pleased to be able to talk to us, even though it was a bit stressful for him. Using that 'talking pipe', is very different to what he has been dealing with up till now, so it will take a while for him to get more used to it, but even in the time we were there, he seemed to get more used to it, although he told us when we left that he wanted them to remove it again.

Good days :D good days :D Even the rain can't dampen my spirits today.

Still the same old Trevor

Trevor's ventilator level has been reduced again and is now on 4 and his physician is very pleased with how the infection is clearing up and how well he is doing, so it won't be long before that ventilator is on cpap and then 'capped'.

Trevor showed today how he is still the same person and we had a good laugh about it. Sometimes he needs to have the saliva suctioned out of his mouth and normally when I'm there, I do it, but today at the one visiting, he told Nicole to do it and she got all ready and as she put the suction into his mouth, he jerked his head and pulled a weird face as if it hurt him and Nicole got all freaked out thinking she had hurt him till she saw how much he was smiling and how we were laughing, because he did it on purpose as a joke :D hahahahahahaha

Trevor recently asked Matthew to tell him about the accident and the rescue and although hearing the details made him very emotional, and made us all emotional, I think its good that he asked, because it will help him to start dealing with it and accepting it. Today he actually asked me how I got to the mountain on the day of his accident, so I told him that Nicole and Kevin brought me there. I think he wanted to know a bit more, but then other visitors came in, so if he wants to know more from my side, I will tell him when he asks.

Its now been a month since the accident and he is still in the surgical ICU ward, but we are hoping that it won't be long before he can go to the general ward or maybe even directly to rehab. Today he watched Comrades the whole day, because he always loves watching it, so that was a good sign too. His sister was running Comrades today, so we were all watching it and it was so awesome to see her briefly on TV :D Congratulations Tracy, you did us all proud and I know Trevor is VERY proud of you.

28 May 2015

7.22 - I know I haven't blogged for a while, thats because I had been hoping to be able to tell you all that Trevor's tracheotomy was taken out, but that hasn't happened yet. His ventilator was put on cpap, which is when the ventilator just keeps up some pressure in the airways but doesn't actually breathe for him and then later it was switched off and he was breathing on his own totally, but that makes him tired, so it can only be done for limited periods of time. Unfortunately the first night he has some struggle breathing so they have put him on the ventilator again fully.

On this past Saturday, his club, the Telkom Athletics Club did a Pledge Walk for him from the Pinelands Sports Club to the hospital and back. Nicole was with him at the hospital and Matthew with us all on the walk and they were skyping so that Trevor could see the walk and all the walkers all the way. There were TAC members, friends and family and members from other groups and clubs, and people from his work, about 50 people in all and it was an awesome walk. Even the rain held off with just a very light sprinkling during the walk and it only really started when the walk ended. The vibe was so good on the walk and when we got to the hospital, we all waved at his window and then a prayer was said. It really warms my heart, to know that Trevor has such wonderful people in his life and we are so blessed to know them all.

The prayer taken at ground level

 

The prayer taken from Trevor's window

Waving to Trevor taken from his window

 

Thank you to Derrick and TAC for arranging this event and to ALL those who walked with us on the day, I know it means a lot to Trevor to know that he has this kind of wonderful support and it means a lot to us, Trevor's family too.

 

There was only one 'sore point' recently and that was to do with the media. I spoke to a Sunday Times reporter who wanted to do an article in their daily paper "The Times" and I had assumed that it was about the Pledge Walk that was done, because that is what they were approached about, but when the article was printed, I was so angry and upset, because instead of making the article about the wonderful support for Trevor after his injury, they sensationalized it and made it all about the 'perils of the mountain' which was only done to sell newspapers Grrrr They took a heartwarming event and just used it...although they never even mentioned the event AT ALL. Not one single word about it. NEVER trust a reporter from The Times!!!!!

 

However my faith in the media was restored by Brenden Ruiter from our local newspaper The Tyger Burger for his sensitive and heartwarming story that was in yesterday's Tyger Burger. Nicely done Brenden, THAT is the kind of article that I wanted done.









Another day, another surgery

7.14 - Yesterday after a days delay from when we were told they would first operate, the orthopaedic surgeon operated on Trevor's shoulder. He, the orthopaedic surgeon, phoned me after the surgery to say that the damage to Trevor's shoulder was worse than they had thought from the X-rays. All of the tendons had been torn, as well as the fracture, but they repaired all the damage and he was pleased with the result.

Nicole and Kevin picked me up and we rushed through there to have a few mins with Trevor before visiting hours ended and when I said we need to leave because visiting was over he shook his head to say no. I... asked his nurse if we could stay a little longer and she said yes. About 8 mins later I again said would need to leave and again he shook his head no. Nicole and Kevin went to wait outside and the nurse said I could stay a bit longer. About 8.20 I saw he was getting sleepy (the nurse had given him morphine for pain) so I told him that I was going to go and let him sleep and finally he was okay with me leaving.

It was so hard to know he didn't want me to leave, but that I couldn't stay indefinately :(  He looked good though under the circumstances, and I'm glad that we did rush through there thought,  it seems it settled him to see us.

Hopefully this will be the last surgery he will need to undergo. The doc told me it would be a six week recovery period where he won't be able to use his shoulder and thereafter about another six weeks to regain mobility in his shoulder, so its a bit of a setback regarding physio on that arm, but in the long run its a good thing.

Shame :(  he was telling us he was hungry last night, but unfortunately had to wait a few hours after his surgery to get fed.

1. 45 - Went to see Trevor this morning and he seemed good. Dr Pretorius came to see him while we were there and seems very happy with how things are going and its possible it won't be much longer before the ventilator is removed.  The ventilator level is back down to 4 which means he is breathing better. It had been put up to 8 last night after the surgery to make sure all was okay after the anesthetic etc.

Life *bleep* sucks :( but the sun sometimes shines

Recently I've had some of those 'life f'ing sucks' moments, but also some things that have warmed my heart.

Trevor's athletics club, Telkom Athletics Club, has arranged to do a support walk for Trevor from Pinelands to the hospital and I had to ask permission from the hospital for the walkers to come onto their premisis. At the time it was weekend, and as I seem to have so much to remember and deal with lately, I decided to just email someone at the hospital, so they would see it Monday when admin staff were on duty. Early Monday morning I got an email saying that they think its a very heartwarming gesture of the club and they gave approval for the walkers to enter the hospital grounds. Originally it was going to be a run, but there are some logistal problems (permissions etc that would be required for roads etc that would take too long to get) so its been changed from a run to a walk (apparently its easier for walkers than runners). The Hikers Network rescue team that Trevor was a part of has also been invited to take part and many others are taking part too. The Hospital has been amazing about it and I'm so thankful for that.

Then came a couple of 'life f'ing sucks' moments. Last night I had invited the kids over for supper and I was trying out a new recipe. All went well, and I cooked the chicken casserole and was cooking the rice to go with it, when my gas ran out (I have a gas hob) :( but luckily we are seasoned campers, so we had a small cadac gas cylinder in the gararge which I could use to finish off the supper.

Matthew had given me Trevor's camera back the other day (he had it after the fall) and I had not looked at the pictures, but last night, after everyone had left, I took it out and looked at the pics. I sat here scrolling through them, my eyes filling with tears to see so much fun and happiness and knowing how it ended and then when my mind focussed on the fact, that the last pic taken, must have been shortly before Trevor fell, I couldn't take it anymore and had to put the camera down and I just sobbed and sobbed for a long time. I know Trevor would have loved the pics and would have been VERY eager to show us all and post them on fb, so at some point, I will upload them and post them, but right now, it just hurts too much :(

Then this morning I had arranged for Matthew to take me to book for my learners test and at the testing station they told me that the first available appt was 24 June :( I had been hoping to be able to write the test in a week or so and when we asked to speak to the management rep to see if I could get in earlier we were told he was on leave. My heart sank, but they said we could try another testing station, so off we went to the next one, only to be told their first appt was 19 June :( but their management rep was there and we spoke to him and although I don't have an appointment yet, there is still a chance I may get one soon, I just have to wait a bit. I've put off getting my drivers licence for so many years and now I regret that, because its now VERY important for me to get driving.

But there is a bright light. I contacted AnKo a gas supplier near me and had awesome service. They arranged to deliver a new gas cylinder to me and I told them more or less when I should be available for delivery and they contacted me just before then to see if they could deliver and they did and hooked it up for me, so that is one weight off my mind and I can now cook again. Thanks AnKo.

When we went to visit Trevor this morning his occupational therapist was there with him so we got to see what she does with him and how his arms/hands are showing improvements. He will also be having surgery on his fractured shoulder tomorrow, which will hopefully be his last surgery, unfortunately, it also has a 6 week recovery period though, in which he will not be able to do his full physio exercises on that arm, only with the wrist and hand, so while its ultimately a good thing, its also a bit of a setback in some ways.

17 May 2015

Today I went to The One Run, because various family members and club members were running in Trevor's honour. My daughter Seleste had balloons in Trevor's club colors tied to her wrist and I had made bracelets with Trevor's initials and his club colours for them all to wear.

 

I was taking pics of those who were running for Trevor and it suddenly became too much for me and tears started flowing. Seeing all those people so happy to run for Trevor was so emotional for me.

Watch the ballons....



Later we went to visit Trevor and found that his neck brace had been removed, as well as the dressing on the gash on his head, both good signs, so that made me very happy. After visiting Trevor, I had invited the family around, including Trevor's brother (who recently arrived from the UK to see Trevor)  Kevin, his wife Linda and his daughter, Jessica (his son James had to stay in England to write some exams). It was a great way to spend the afternoon, eating cake and snacks and chatting with family.

All in all, its been a good day today, even if I did cry.



14 May 2015

13.50 - The visit with Trevor went well this morning. They are weaning him off the ventilator by gradually reducing the levels, so we are hoping that in the near future he will be able to do without it. He also asked us to take some pictures of him so he can see what he looks like and also of his surroundings so we did that for him and he seemed more relaxed now he knows for himself what is around him etc.

I have also been busy making the bracelets for those running 'The one run' in support of Trevor and Nicole showed him the one I made for her.

13 May 2015

8.31 - *sigh* From yesterday afternoon I've been feeling a bit down and weepy, for no particular reason, maybe things are just getting to me.

Trevor had his second surgery on his neck yesterday afternoon and although I haven't got an update from the doctor yet, it seems all went well and Trevor is doing well.

I also found time yesterday to phone the medical aid to check how things were going on that side and to make sure that the accounts are all being settled with no problems....all seems good.

I took a break from running yesterday, but did 2.07km this morning in 14mins.

13.49 - We had a good visit with Trevor today. He wanted to know how the fish was (He had got some frozen tuna from someone before this, and I told him yesterday that I was cooking some of it for supper). Using the communication board takes some time and effort for him, shaking or nodding his head slightly and spelling out all the words, so I find it very positive that he is asking about things like how the fish was :)  He also asked Matthew if he was running, so I guess now Matthew has to get off his lazy butt and run, cause I'm sure Trevor will keep asking him ;) The amusing thing today though, was the bracelets I'm making for some of those who are doing The One Run in support of Trevor, I have used beads in the TAC (Telkom Athletics Club - his club) colours and I had put in the intials TW. When I showed Trevor a pic of the bracelets today he spelled out TJW and I had to laugh, so now I had to go back to Beads for Africa to buy J's so I can use his full initials as he wanted....its such a typical Trevor thing that :)

17.20 - This afternoon I contacted a driving instructor that was recommended to me so I can find out about driving lessons, but obviously first I have to get my learners licence. He gave me some good advice and now I know more or less how much my driving lessons will cost. I'm hoping to go and book for my learners licence later this week or early next week.

Trevor has said (via spelling out on the communication board) that he won't be comfortable seeing other people until such time as he can talk again, so I ask you all to be patient with us. This is something very traumatic that Trevor has gone though and I won't expect him to do anything until he is okay with it. We do keep passing on your well wishes to him though.

LOL today at visiting hours Matthew got into trouble, because Trevor asked if he is running and he had to say no. Then Trevor asked about the black eyed susan (a plant for those who don't know) so I had to admit that I had forgotten to water it (that has now been corrected, I went out to water it when I got home from visiting).

Trevor is looking good and seems positive which I'm very happy about.

---O-O---

I'm so happy, we just collected Trevor's new glasses from the Optometrist so at least now instead of just listening to the tv, he should be able to see it, which means hopefully he won't be so bored during the day.

We are just waiting for confirmation that they will operate on the fracture in his shoulder tomorrow, but it looks like it will be going ahead, they are pleased with how his chest/lungs are clearing up. We were also told that they have lowered the limits on his ventilator, which means his body is slowly getting used to the idea of being without the ventilator which is also good news. They told us they tried lowering the limits yesterday, but it didn't go so well, but that he was tolerating the lower limits well today :)

Trevor continues to communicate with us via the communication board and is asking questions which show he is thinking about every day type things. We actually joked with him today, because he always hated games like charades, but now its like we are all playing charades on a daily basis (not quite the same LOL but similar). Today he asked if they know he is left handed, so we had to just notify the physio and I left a note on the 'notice board' next to his bed to tell them that he is left handed. He also asked about his phone, so I told him it was fine, but that I had switched it off. He also asked us to change the channel on the tv to Mnet before we left. Its a long process, but usually we can fairly quickly figure out what he is trying to say from getting a few words spelled out.

As for me, I'm at least eating a bit better now, I still struggle with sleeping and have resorted to taking a sleeping tablet at night, but I still tend to wake up at about 4.30 to 5am anyway. There are many times when I just suddenly feel exhaused and remembering things is a bit difficult at the moment, I guess from the stress and lack of sleep.

The good news keeps coming

14.27 - The good news keeps coming. This morning when Matthew, Nicole and I visited Trevor, we met his Physician Specialist there and he said he is VERY happy with Trevor and how he is doing, he said it was much better than they had expected. He said there was improvement in mobility in both Trevor's arms and hands so we are very excited.

We are also getting better with the communication board and today Trevor asked us what the time was and then later about the headphones to listen to the tv. The only problem is, that the volume control on the hospital tv remote isn't working, so it was a little too loud, but I have found Trevor's headphones from his phone and they have their own volume control, so we will try see if that works when I go there again. He still can't sit up enough to watch tv and even if he could, he wouldn't be able to see it well anyway, until we get his new glasses next week, but if he can even listen to it, that will help keep him occupied.

The fact that Trevor is asking about things like the budgie and about the garden and to listen to the tv are all things that make me more relieved, because it means he is thinking of things other than his condition.

20.41 - Well, Trevor just keeps improving and is kinda showing off,  :D showing us how much he can move his arms and hands...it just makes my heart sing :D Both arms are now improving in leaps and bounds.

LOL unfortunately also, the list of things that need to be done at home keeps growing, so I will have to rope Kevin and Matthew in again. Nicole has been put in charge of watering the garden, although I have been watering the sprigs of buffalo grass that I planted in the back lawn. The previous bits I planted are doing well and looking very healthy. Seleste, Matthew, Nicole and Kevin, thanks so much for all the help you are giving me, it's been making it so much easier to deal with everything. Candice, thanks for putting up with Matthew having to spend so much time, driving, visiting and doing things for me, instead of spending his well earned leasure time with you, lazing around doing nothing ;) Thanks to Tracy, the Snowballs and the Skors' for all the visits. Oh and Jane, thanks for driving us all this morning and taking us shopping too :)

Thank you also to ALL of you who are constantly praying for Trevor and sending your well wishes for his recovery, we keep passing them all on to him.

Some more thoughts on 'That Day'

A while ago, we noticed that the Cape Town Marathon was using this pic for some of their advertising on fb and Trevor is in the pic (I circled him in red). At the time we all (including Trevor) thought it was very cool, but now, the caption with the pic is even more appropriate. We know how determined Trevor can be, especially with training and his physiotherapy is now his training and as determined as he is, we are hoping that it will only be a matter of time before the first part of the caption won't be applicable any longer. Trevor is too active a person and too nice a person for this injury to be his destiny.....

The Hikers Network fb page https://www.facebook.com/#!/HikersNetwork?fref=ts are using the following pic of Trevor as their cover pic.

 

Following is a letter than Bronwyn sent me yesterday, her thoughts about that day (she was also on the hike with Trevor and the others)...

 

07 May 2015

THAT Day

I love hiking with Trevor. I have many reasons for saying this, but the main reason is because you can see Trevor’s love for the mountain, his excitement for exploring it and how much he enjoys sharing in that experience with others. When I hike and am beginning to get tired and start to wonder ‘why am I doing this to myself’? I see Trevor and am reminded to take in everything I’m surrounded by (the beauty, the fresh air, the freedom, the exploration, the adventure, the good times).

01 May 2015 Hike up India Venster. A great hike, an absolute favourite of mine!

This is my account or recollection of THAT day.

India Venster is a real slog up until you reach the contour path, but knowing what is to follow makes up for the tiresome part of it. Next is the scramble. Another hiker passing us offered to give me hand up the rocks, and I politely said, ‘No thanks, this is my favourite part!’ He smiled and said, ‘Well then, don’t let me take that away from you!’
As we climbed, we joked and laughed. At the last pitch, Trevor was taking a photo of my dad’s boot just in case it touched the staple in the rock and then he would have evidence of my dad using the climbing aid. We laughed and laughed as my dad made his way up the rocks. Next it was my turn to climb up. My dad, Trevor and I were the last three in line. I remember, once up, turning around to see Trevor’s hands on the rock behind me, and I still thought that I’d better move so that he would have enough space to get up. Next thing I heard was the next hiker coming up shout. I spun around and screamed after Trevor. I don’t know where that scream came from…

My dad and I were witness to part of Trevor’s fall.

I shouted after Matthew, and before I knew it, Matthew was at Trevor’s side. In the time it took for my dad to take off his own pack, Matthew had flown down about 15m below us off those pitches. He must have jumped down those rock faces without even realising it himself.

How the rest of us got down is a bit of a blur… too much shock.

Upon waiting for help, this is what I remember seeing around me:

Tremendous Courage I saw how both Seleste and Matthew (and others too) were able to very calmly attend to Trevor. How they were able to compose themselves and continuously speak with him, holding his hand, attending to his wounds, reassuring him that help was on its way.

Quiet Moments I saw how each one had their moment to cry, be hugged, or be passed a tissue.

Pacing Up and Down I saw some unable to sit still, but up and down the rocks that Trevor had just fallen down. I think the idea of Trevor having possibly slipped was not a possibility. I know for a fact that that idea of slipping did not ring true for any one of us!

Shivering It was bitterly cold up on that mountain with the thick mist sweeping over us. We had all given up our jackets in order to keep Trevor warm or to prop him up in a position that was more comfortable. And there were so many space blankets!

Help I saw a stranger stop and come to the rescue; a medic student! Others in passing also offered to give up jackets, medical kits etc.

Flashlights I saw our group of family and friends standing at the edge of the mountain waving their arms, flashlights, and lights on their cellphones. We were able to hear Skymed, but were unable to see them because of the mist.

Hope The sun came out, and I saw hope!

Trevor I saw an extremely brave man. I did not for one moment see panic, or stress, or anything of the sort. Just bravery!

I thank God for Trevor and his family (and even though we may not be related by blood, we are definitely part of this family too)!

I have to believe that God has a bigger plan in store for each one of us.

I see Table Mountain now and it’s a very fresh and hurtful reminder of that day! I actually feel a bit angered towards it only because the trauma of that day is still affecting me. We will get over this mountain though (figuratively speaking, and in time).

Trevor, ‘encourager’ and ‘motivator’ are the two words that I think of when I think of you. May you be encouraged and motivated in your time of full recovery!

 

I also got this very heartwarming email from Gary's wife (remember, I posted a note from him in an earlier blog) I hope she won't mind me posting it here.

Dear Carol

I am Gary's wife and Benji's mom.

 

My heart goes out to Trevor, you and your family.

 

I walk around with a lump in my throat thinking about Trevor and praying for a good outcome and a full recovery.  His unfortunate fall has been close to us and each day Gary & Benji have needed debriefing in some way or another as they come to terms with what they witnessed.

It has been hard hitting to realise how safety and vulnerability are constantly in tension with the beauty of the mountain.

Thank U Carol for your bravery in sharing this blog which offers us all the opportunity to connect and get updates without invading your fragile space.

Wishing you all strength as you navigate your way forward.

Please give Trevor a special hug from us

Viv

 

Although this is a very hard time we are going through, it has proven to us without doubt what a wonderful support system we have, with family, friends and even people we do not really know. I know its probably not something I should be thinking, but I still have guilty thoughts about the trauma which was caused to Gary and Benji because they witnessed the accident and Viv, because she has to help them both through it. I'm sure both Gary and Viv would tell me not to worry about that, because that is the type of people they seem to be, but I can't help it. I worry about ALL those who saw it or were with Trevor when it happened...its just the kind of person I am. These are just some of the things I'm going to have to deal with myself.







A good day

Today was such a good day, that I think we all feel more positive about the future. I did my run this morning and then got an sms on my phone from Trevor's physio which said the following:

Morning Carol, it's Tarryn (physio) from Vincent Pallotti, just letting you know that Trevor has woken up this morning with the ability to extend his right elbow, move his right wrist up and down and open and close his fingers :D :D :D

That really had me smiling. The Matthew, Nicole, Candice and myself all went to visit Trevor and we used the Communication Board with him (its a board with letters of the alphabet on it, so he can tell us things) and the first word he spelled out had us all laughing, it was 'budgie' :D The reason its so funny, is because Nicole and I bought the budgie and Trevor has always moaned about the budgie and how he looks after it but he never wanted it...but we all know Trevor loves the budgie, he is always the one talking to the budgie and letting him out to fly and feeding him etc, so it made us feel good to know that is the kind of thing that is going through his mind, if HIS budgie is okay and we are treating it right. The next word he spelled was 'operation' because he wanted to know about the tracheotomy he was having today. Next, he spelled 'water plants' which also had us smiling to know he was wanting to make sure the garden is okay. Next was the word 'tac' which stands for Telkom Athletics Club, which is his running club, so we let him know that everyone in Tac knew what happened to him and that they were all praying for him and sending good wishes.  A bit later we checked again if he wanted to say something and he nodded, so we went through the procedure and he spelled out 'what is on the board' so we told him. Its a board next to his bed, where the nursing staff have notes and things pinned up to do with his care, he wanted to know what was on a particular paper.

We also met his occupational therapist who gave us updates on what she has been doing, so we know have met another one of Trevor's 'team'.

Then, as if that wasn't enough goodness for the day a friend of Seleste's decided to make us some wonderful cupcakes...and they literally were the 'cherry on top' of a great day.

 

Your prayers are obviously all working, so please keep them up <3

Blogsite problems can be annoying and more rescue information and pictures

Well, the blogsite I was using had some problems and I was often getting error messages and now I can't access it at all, so I remembered this one and had to recover the information to access it. Later, when I can access the other one, I will copy over all the blogs I did there to this one.

This blog is more information about the accident/rescue, including some pics and a note that was sent to me by the guy who saw Trevor fall....so be warned and do not read further if it might be hard for you to see.

Yesterday, I received an email from the guy who saw Trevor fall on the mountain, the one who was hiking with his son behind Trevor. He sent me a note with his memories of the day (as I have asked for) and although I cried so hard reading it, that I had to stop reading, because I could no longer see through the tears and I had go back later and finish reading it, I so very much appreciated him sending it. It might seem weird, but as I was not there at the time, every additional bit of information I get about what happened, helps me to get closure on the actual accident. Following is the note he sent me...

Dear Carol

I feel like a voyeur as I read your blog so I have to introduce myself. I have spoken to Matthew as you know. And writing this is part of my catharsis.

I extend my deepest sympathies and best wishes for Trevor, Matthew, Seleste and yourself as you all adapt to this incredible challenge your lives.  I pray that you have the patience and resilience to deal with each day and moment and grow stronger through it all.

I was with Benji my 11 year old son when Trevor plummeted past us.  I called out that he was falling, and as soon as I had made sure my son was safe on the ledge I scrambled back down to Trevor.  As time stood still I kept thinking as I approached him that I don’t even have the most basic skills to help him.  He was clearly unconscious but moaning. I bent down close and told him that people were coming and he would be looked after. When I heard that members in the party were part of mountain rescue I felt relieved that he was in good hands, and relieved of personal responsibility.  I can remember Matthew cursing as he peered over the top pitch and saw what had happened.

Last night I read the theory that Trevor probably experienced a minor stroke. It is hard to recall exact details but he was completely silent when he fell past us, he was not even flailing his arms, he seemed somehow “passive”. I know that I was the person who shouted out that “he’s falling”.  I think this might corroborate the theory.

Thank you for your concerns regarding my son. He is coping better than me. He is able to articulate his thoughts and feelings eloquently at the best of times. Thus far he has learned two things – make sure he has three points of contact when he moves, and prioritise safety. I am sure more will follow. I have not shared Trevor’s condition with him yet. I will, after we go up India Venster on Sunday morning. Ironically this was Benji’s first India ascent. I have been up and down it 100’s of times. So it is important that he have a good ascent on Sunday. He was shaken by the experience but was very focussed and determined on the rest of the walk.  But he did want to go straight down the cable car and get home. 

I appreciated your comments about how desperate we were to see him evacuated off instantly and how frustrating it was to have to wait from 915 to 1318 when  Skymed finally airlifted him. I kept wandering out onto our balcony with my binoculars throughout the morning and felt an inexplicable feeling of emotional relief when I saw the helicopter finally carry him with his rescuers off the mountain.

I have had flashbacks and keep wondering how it happened. An experienced climber…on India, a route I know so well. I speculated that he had perhaps hit his head as he came out of the final pitch or that there was a physiological explanation. So the theory of a stroke not only makes sense but is for me far less threatening.  I did go up at 7am on Sunday morning. I had to deal with my anxiety which soared as I approached the pins and chains. Then I took some photos of the pins and pitches and scrambled securely, safely and quickly up. This reinforced my conviction that he was too experienced to have made a mistake. A short while later I was home with some questions answered.

Yesterday I had a trauma debriefing session with a retired Metro Rescue counsellor whom I had reached via the Mountain Club. It was useful.  The flashbacks will continue but hopefully fewer less frequently; the act of writing this down and to you is part of my process; never take the mountain for granted or compromise on safe procedures and movement no matter how many times I have been up; as inadequate as I felt, I was Trevor’s first human contact after the fall; his experience must not scare me from doing what I love; and life is so precious – I should not waste time fighting or arguing with my son, just love him.

So thank you for reading this. I will continue to follow your progress and Trevor’s progress via your blog. I look forward to a time when a visit will be appropriate.

My wife, daughter and son join me in wishing you all the best and a full recovery for Trevor. This is something for which we will pray.

Gary

 

I am also going to post some more pics of the rescue that were taken by other people.  The pictures are (1) The Rescue crew getting ready for the rescue (2) the paramedic and other rescuers climbing down part of where Trevor fell to get to him, they hiked to get there (3 & 4) more rescuers a bit later absailing down from the cable car to get to Trevor. (5, 6 & 7 ) Is Skymed coming to the rescue. (8) Skymed coming down to land with Trevor in the stretcher and two rescuers with him on the line.

 

 

*sigh*

9.09am - What I have been doing, I'm sure you have noticed, is writing a bit during the day and putting the time I update my blog and then I publish it in the evening. Yesterday morning, after doing the blog about the details of the accident, I sat and cried and just couldn't bring myself to go back and do my usual daily blog. It wasn't a big deal, because Trevor's condition is more or less the same, so I don't really have updates on that. At a point yesterday afternoon, I suddenly became very tired, but I do not want to sleep during the day, because then I know it will be even more difficult to sleep at night and I sleep badly enough as it is. I do have some sleeping tablets I can take if it gets too bad, but I don't want to use them unless I have to, because they make me feel groggy in the morning. I was going to skip yesterdays 7pm visiting hour to try get some relaxation, but then thanks to Eskom our power went out at 6pm, so I decided to rather spend the time visiting Trevor than spending 2.5hours in the dark on my own.

This morning I woke up at about 4.30 am which has been happening most of the time, I usually wake up a few times in the night too, but I stayed in bed and tried to see if I could sleep again, but by 6am, I realized I wasn't going to, but just couldn't face getting out of bed, but eventually at 7am, I forced myself up. Trevor always used to get up before me and he always used to bring me tea in bed :'( I miss that. It also got to 9am and I realized that I hadn't even thought of running (I normally run at about 8.30) so I will make myself run later.

I just want to once again thank everyone so much for all their well wishes and prayers for Trevor and for all of us. We constantly update him on all of that.

13.27 - Trevor's physical condition hasn't really changed, but he is still awake when we go visit him and able to nod etc as before. The Physician who is taking care of his heart and lungs is pleased with how he is doing, so that is good news too. I might not necessarily do daily blogs from now on, unless there is something for me to blog about or if Trevor's condition changes in any way.

18.00 - Some good things today. Seleste chatted with a 66 year old man that we had seen visiting someone in ICU before. He walks with a stick. He seems to have some weakness on the one side but gets along well. She found out that he had had an injury very similar to Trevor (his injury was about a year ago) and he was in the same hospital after it. He was told he would most likely never walk again and here he is walking, we saw the miracle for ourselves and we all chatted with him briefly. His wife told us (or at least I think its his wife) that the most important thing she can tell us is to concentrate heavily on the best physiotherapy possible, because that makes all the difference.

We also got to meet Trevor's physiotherapist and she seems very nice and showed us the 'Communication Board' that they have so they can communicate better with Trevor. Its a piece of paper with the letters of the alphabet written on it and I have actually made a printed one, put it on cardboard and laminated it and I will take it in when I visit again, because I'm sure it will make things easier. We tried to use their paper one, but because the paper keeps folding over (it has to be held in the air so Trevor can see it when lying on his back), so its difficult to use. She explained to us what she is doing so far in terms of physio, so I'm pleased about that. I have also printed a few motivational messages and laminated them and will stick them to the board next to Trevor's bed and even if he can't always see them, he will know they are there and I will read them before I stick them up and alternate them every now and then.

Details of the accident

 

 

I know everyone is probably wondering about what exactly happened and as I've now had two days in which I've felt more calm and able to cope better, I thought that I'd give you the details I know about 1 May 2015 when Trevor fell.

 

Trevor, Matthew, Seleste and some other family and friends had decided to do a hike up India Venster on Table Mountain. I did not go with them, because I've only recently started running again and felt the hike would be a bit too much for me and might make me too sore to run. I was sitting at home in my pj's watching tv, when I got a phone call from Seleste (sometime after 9am, I can't remember exactly when), I can't remember exactly what she said, but I know she mentioned that Trevor had a fall. For a while I was silent and while part of me grasped what she was saying, I was thinking that it must be her just joking and any minute she was going to start laughing and say 'Don't worry mom, I'm only kidding', but she didn't and I asked her if she was serious and she said "Yes Mom, I'm serious" and then the tears started, I can't remember what I said after that, I just remember crying and after I put the phone down, I sat and cried, my mind was just too blank to even try and comprehend what I should do. After a few minutes, whatever comprehension I had kicked in and I thought that I had better get dressed, so I went to my bedroom in a haze and started getting out clothes. At that point, Nicole and Kevin arrived at my house and Nicole told me Seleste had phoned her and told her to come to me. I asked Nicole and Kevin if they could take me to the bottom of Table Mountain so I could wait there till Trevor was brought down from the mountain.

Trevor is part of Hikers Network and part of the mountain rescue team, so he has been on quite a few rescues and because of that, I kind of know the procedure and how it works. I have always fretted about the amount of time it takes from the report of an accident to sometimes when the person is actually rescued, but because of Trevor being involved, I know all the work and planing that has to happen before the rescuers go up. In this case of course, that lengthy time flew into my head and although I know its how it works, I wanted this rescue to happen in the blink of an eye, I didn't want it to take hours, regardless of the planning etc.

We arrived at Table Mountain and first went to the lower cable station and I saw a rescue vehicle there, so got out and went to speak to the guy with the vehicle (Forgive me for not remembering names, they all just went in one ear and out the other because I was just to worried). I can't even remember exactly what that guy told me, but I know shortly after, he said he was going down to the skymed landing zone at the bottom of Table Mountain road, where they were going to discuss the rescue and suggested we went down there, which we did. At the landing zone there were a lot of rescue personal, again, most of whom, I just cannot remember their names, although the name David Nel stuck in my head somehow. They were all very helpful in letting us know what was going on and trying to reassure us. There was one lady, who's name I can't remember, who talked to us a lot and that helped, so whoever you are, thank you.

Skymed (the rescue helicopter) was there, but the problem was that the place Trevor fell, was near the top of Table Mountain, just below the cable car route. Not only was the top of the mountain covered in cloud/mist, but the cables from the cable cars would not allow Skymed to get too close, so my hope of a quick rescue by skymed flew out the window and my heart sank. I did see Skymed go up and fly to the accident site, as close as they could get, but the visibility was just too poor. Matthew told me later, that he could hear Skymed, he could hear that they were VERY close to them, but the mist was so thick that he could not even see them at all.

At this point, the information I had was that Trevor had fallen, that he had knocked his head and it was bleeding and that his shoulder was dislocated but that he was still alert and talking. That I could deal with, I was thinking okay...its concussion and a dislocated shoulder, that will probably mean, an overnight stay in hospital and his arm strapped up for a while, so at that point the panic I felt when I got the first phone call, had calmed down and I was relatively calm. My brother, Kenny also arrived on the scene unexpectedly, I did not even know how he knew about it, until I found that Seleste had posted something on fb (the joys of cellphones) and having him there helped too, thanks Kenny.
I don't know exactly when the different parts of the rescue team went up, but I know Anwaaz from Hikers Network went up with a paramedic to get medical attention to Trevor as soon as possible. Matthew also told me later, that just after Trevor's fall, a guy had come up and asked if he could help and miraculously he was a 4th year medical student, so I'm sure having him there so soon helped as well. Because they could not use Skymed to get Trevor off the mountain, the next plan was to use the cable car, so the rescue team had to arrange with the cable car company to stop the whole system for a while so that they could make use of the cable car and stop it just above the accident site (thank you to the cable car company for allowing that). The rescuers absailed down from the cable car to the ground to make plans to take Trevor out via the cable car.

Skymed and the rescue team were constantly keeping an eye on the cloud/mist around the accident site in the hope that it would clear enough to allow Skymed to get Trevor out. The mist cleared sporadically, but it never stayed clear long enough, but then before the cable car rescuse started, Skymed decided it might be clear enough to attempt the rescue. The rescue team with Trevor had to move him further away from the cables from the cable car (they had a stretcher at that point) so that Skymed could airlift him out. The cable car rescue was put on hold and the cable car was freed for normal use and Skymed went up. I felt both relief and a rush of worry, because hearing how Trevor was, was one thing, but seeing him like that...well, I knew that was going to be hard. It was kind of weird....while I was down at the bottom, even with all the information I was getting, it just didn't seem real and because of that, it was easier for me to handle....but now it was getting real and my panic started again.

I was at this point still thinking it wasn't too serious and because I knew Trevor well, I knew he would kill me if I didn't take some pics for him, so I used my cellphone to take some pics of the part of the rescue I could see and I know those on the mountain with him, would have taken pics for the same reason. As I mentioned in a previous blog....when Trevor came down and I got to see him, that was when I had this feeling that it was a lot worse than I had thought, nobody said anything to give me any reason to think it wasn't more than we had previously thought...my instinct just kicked in, telling me that its not what we thought it was and that was when the worry REALLY started.

Kevin drove me and Nicole to the hospital behind the ambulance (well lol not just behind it, we couldn't keep up because they had red lights and we didn't) and when we got there, they were just taking Trevor out of the ambulance into the emergency unit. Then it was more waiting while things were assessed and later the operation to try straighten the vertebrae in his neck. I think I eventually got home again around midnight. It was a long wait, but it was made easier by having some family and friends there so I just want to mention some names (I hope you don't mind me mentioning your names). In the emergency room, Seleste, Matthew, Candice, Charl, and Karen, all of whom had been with Trevor on the mountain when it happened and had had to still walk down after Trevor was airlifted off and I think it was later that Kenny, Glenda, Jane, Caitlin, Mom, Dad and Tracy arrived. Michael, Lydia, Bronwyn and her boyfriend, I think his name is Ryan, Colin and Sandra, and at one point a friend of Trevor's from work arrived too, I think it was Kevin, but I'm not sure. As I right this, I'm trying to picture who was there, but its so difficult to remember, so forgive me if I haven't mentioned your name. Some of these people were with us right up till the time we left the hospital eventually just before midnight. You have no idea how much you being there means to me and to us.

With regards how Trevor fell, originally we all assumed he slipped, but later when we were talking about it, we all thought that knowing Trevor and how much he hikes etc, that slipping wasn't really likely. It was also mentioned that he didn't scream as he fell, nor did he seem to be fighting to stop his fall, he just fell backwards quietly. After this was mentioned to the neurosurgeon, he told us that on the brain scan they did, he did see a small bleed deep in Trevor's brain, so he thinks its very likely that Trevor might have had a mini stroke, which made him black out and that caused his fall. I had been told that a man hiking with his son had seen Trevor fall and as worried as I was about Trevor, that really concerned me and kept coming into my mind. I was worried about how that must have affected them, especially as the son was a youngster, but there was nothing I could do about it. Luckily, later when we went to the hospital, I was told that someone had phoned asking about Trevor and was given a name and telephone number and was told it was a man who had been hiking with his son, so I assumed it was the one who saw the fall and felt a bit of relief that we could actually contact him and see how him and his son were handling it. Matthew phoned him and he and his son had been a bit traumatised by it, but I hope it helped that they could find out about Trevor and that would make it easier for them to deal with it. I know everyone who was with Trevor on the mountain is traumatised and I hope that the fact that we are all banding together to help get through this, is helping them all, I know its helping me.

I will later add some photos to this blog, so keep checking on it later. I just need to get some off my phone and I asked one person for permission to use theirs from fb, because I do not know the person and so don't just want to use his photos. I am not giving detailed information at this time on Trevor's condition, but just know its a spinal injury and he will be in hospital and rehab for about 3 months.



Good days and bad days

14.02pm - There are going to be good days and bad days, yesterday was a good day and today has been a good day, not because anything spectacular happened, but just because I coped better. Trevor's condition has not really changed, but being under sedation makes him calmer and more peaceful. I was glad that this morning when we visited he opened his eyes quite a few times and that made me relieved. Luckily also this morning I had a lot of things to tell Trevor, so that gave me something to do when I was visiting with him. Something else that makes today a good day, is finding out that Trevor's brother is probably coming here from England to see Trevor and all of us. I know that will mean a lot to Trevor.

Oh and I did my run today :) I told myself yesterday that today I was going to start running again (first time since Wednesday) and I did...not much, it was 1.42km's in a time of 9.42mins...its a start. I'm going to try do it every day, but if my legs can't handle that, then three times a week.
Yesterday Matthew came up with a very good idea. He suggested we ask people to write Trevor messages and things (preferably handwritten but even emailed would be good) and that we put it in a scrap book, so that when Trevor is able, he can look through it. Matthew has started asking people for messages and I bought a scrap book today.

A while ago, my daughter Nicole offered me a fish tank (I love tropical fish) and I was all excited about it, but at the time, Trevor said we can't have it, because we have no place for it....now strictly speaking, thats not true, we could have found a place for it, but at the time I let it go. This morning, I told Trevor that he has to get well soon, because now that he's not home he can't stop me from getting the fish tank, so when he gets back there will be fish firmly ensconsed in the house :) I find watching fish very relaxing and I know although Trevor will probably moan about it when he comes home, he will end up loving the fish even more than I do...lol thats what always happens. So today when shopping, Seleste wanted to go to the pet shop to get dog food, so Nicole and I went to look at the fish and I fell in love with green spotted puffer fish...they were so cute and when we walked from one side of their tank to the other side they followed us :)

16.34pm - *sigh* well, it looks like the puffer fish, no matter how cute, won't be in my fishtank, they are difficult to care for and don't always 'play nice'. Apparently other fish in a tank with them can 'disappear' or have the fins or tails chewed. They also need salty water and the water needs to be changed frequently etc...thats too much work that I don't need now. I also read that you need to feed them snails to keep their beaks sharp.... :( shame poor snails...so no puffer fish.

Yesterday and today, I have been remarkably calm and felt strong and able to cope with things which is a blessing. I must just say a very special thank you to my brother Kenny....I won't say why here, but he knows why.

I took a break and didn't go to the 3pm visiting session, but apparently Trevor had been given pain medication and so was very much asleep...so that makes me feel easier about not having been there. As much as I want to go to every visiting hour I can, I know that this is going to be a LONG process, so I need to make sure I take breaks from things, so that I don't overstress myself because if I fall apart, I won't be any good to Trevor or anyone else and the last thing I want is to have my family worrying about me too. So its all about moving forward and looking after myself...running, because I know Trevor would want me to keep doing it and because it helps keep me fit and strong....eating, because I haven't been doing that much of that and I know its bad for me, especially if I'm starting to run more.

My drivers licence is on my to do list too. Its something I've put off for years, because Trevor was always there to drive me where I needed to go, but now I need to be the one driving him around in the future. My sister, Colleen has told me she will take me to book my learners licence as that is the first step and my neighbour Melinda says she knows someone who does driving lessons and will find out about that for me. So hopefully in the not too distant future, I will be a driver.

This whole situation has made me realize what truely wonderful family and friends I have and I am feeling so blessed. One of Seleste's friends, Kim, sent a really beautiful flower arrangement to Trevor, which certainly brightened up the day and I read the card out to him. Later, I realized there was a competition at the botton, so I posted a pic of the arrangement on the NetFlorist fb page in the hope that we might be lucky and win the prize, if we do, I'm sure that will please Trevor.

 

20.44pm - Aside from the fact that the cute puffer fish won't work out, this day just keeps having more positives in it. The visit with Trevor this evening was wonderful. He seemed relaxed most of the time, he was more awake and even responded to things we said a couple of times by nodding or shaking his head slightly, so I kind of feel on a bit of a high right now :)

Then on the way home, I saw on our whatsapp chat that my daughter Seleste was making some plans to organize some runners to run a race in Trevor's honor. The race I think is called the one run and Trevor and Seleste had entered. Seleste has organised entries for some other family members and arranged for my son Matthew to take over Trevor's entry to run for him. Quite a few people are joining in the idea of running the race in his honour and as Trevor is an avid runner I know this is something that will please him.

So many people are praying for Trevor and our family and each wonderful thing like this that happens I know is answers to those prayers.



May the 4th be with you

7.57am - I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is think of Trevor and cry :( Today I made the mistake of trying to do some research on google about injuries like Trevor's, but eventually I could no longer read from the tears in my eyes, so I decided that now wasn't the time, the information from the doctor is all I can deal with right now.

Trevor and I had been going to the local trim park three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...doing a long walk there, doing some exercise on the machines and then running (most of the way) back, obviously that didn't happen on Friday and knowing that I haven't been eating or sleeping much, and that I tend to cry often, I decided that the usual trim park session would be too much, so I thought I might just do a run around the block, which Trevor and I had done on occasion on a Tuesday and/or Thursday. Our exercise time was normally 8.30am, but today I am going to see a counselor at 9.15am, so I will try do my run later. Now more than ever, I realize that its important that I need to keep fit and strong, because Trevor will be needing me.

Although I am looking forward to seeing him later this morning, I'm also dreading it, because it will be the first time we visit him since the ventilator was inserted. He won't be able to speak to us and I know that will make him even more frustrated and depressed :( I feel so desperate and devastated, but I know I can't fall apart now, Trevor needs me and will need me more in the future, so I just keep plodding on, trying to do things to keep me going. I'd like to say that doing things takes my mind off what happened, but it doesn't, its in my mind constantly and the only respite I get is when I sporadically sleep in the night.

12.46pm - Got back from visiting Trevor...its so hard to see him like that, so still, so quiet. He is under light sedation because of the ventilator, but because we believe he can still hear us, we keep talking to him. When I see him like that...I find it so difficult to know what to say, so I make sure I hold his hand, or stroke his arm or shoulder or face, just so he knows I'm there and can feel my touch even if I'm not continually talking to him.

4.30pm - This afternoons visit was a bit less stressful for me, Trevor being under sedation is a mixed blessing....on one hand, I want him to be able to talk with us, but on the other hand, I know that him being sedated is more rest for him and also it makes it a bit less stressful for me. This is the first day since it happened, that I've been more calm and I've only cried a few times today, so thats an improvment for me. I was very pleased to see that when we visited Trevor that they had his bed propped up a bit, a folded towel under his head to raise it slightly and they had taken away the props they had on either side of his head. To me, thats a very good sign and it eased my mind a bit. His boss has also assured us that he is taking care of things on that side and will see that we are looked after and that they will pay for any councelling we might need, so that is another thing that eased my mind.
I've been to every visiting hour since this happened, so as Trevor is sedated now, I decided that I will skip this evenings visit so that I can get some R & R that I need to keep my strength and spirits up.

Can we go now

3/5/15 13.20pm - "Can we go now" Trevor asking me that today just broke my heart, I want him to be more aware and talkative, but the more aware and talkative he is, the more I know he is aware of his situation and the more bored and frustrated and depressed he would be. It wasn't bad enough he said it once, he said it a few times and knowing that the meds etc are probably making him a bit confused, each time he asked, I had to patiently explain to him that we couldn't go just yet, that we had to let him heal and listen to the doctors who say he needs to stay and get well. I said it calmly, when all I wanted to do was cry :( and eventually because others were at his bed, I just had to walk out, down the passage and just let the tears flow.

I've seen so many tv shows or movies where people go through things like this and I've always known it was difficult, but you don't quite grasp it, until its you and your family going through it yourselves. I try to joke a bit with him to try keep his mood up, but I know its going to be more and more difficult as time goes on. The better he feels, the more he is going to be thinking about what the future holds and the more he is going to ask and know about his situation, that scares me so much. I've suffered from depression, I know what its like and I'd give anything to be able to save him from that, but I know depression will be part of this and we will all have to help him through it.

16.38pm - I went to visit Trevor again this afternoon. The male nurse looking after him is so sweet (he hugged me this morning because I looked upset) and told us today that they tried to put a feeding tube into Trevor's stomach to feed him, because he's not eating well. They weren't successful with it, so he said they would try again later after visiting time. Trevor's frustration is showing again, he clearly told me today "Can't go anywhere, can't do anything" and my heart sinks. I feel so helpless because sometimes he says things very clearly and other times he says things to me and no matter how hard I listen I just can't understand/hear what he is saying...that makes me want to cry and I feel so frustrated because he's trying to tell me something and I don't know what and then I feel worse, because I'm sure he's frustrated because I don't know what he wants to tell me.

What keeps me going is that I know that every day his body is healing, even if we don't see signs of it and every day, is one day closer to the next 'milestone' I am rooting for and that is him being able to sit up more, so he can at least see what is going on around him and watch some tv. I know that will at least lessen his boredom. THAT, is my goalpost at the moment...its what I am aiming for at this stage...just for him to at least be able to sit up more.

There are so many pictures being posted by the members of the rescue team on fb and today I asked one of Trevor's fellow Hikers Network team members, Anwaaz to collect all the pics and to keep them somewhere in one folder, so that later when Trevor is able, if he wants to, he can see all the pics himself.

Visiting Trevor is awesome but at the same time, its very stressful. I want to see him, but I feel under pressure when there.....to not cry......to think of things to talk about.....to try make him feel better......to not say something that will make him feel worse etc etc Its so difficult to see him just lying there...Trevor never just lies around, he was always doing something...

9pm - This is so hard, I know its petty that I say its so hard, when things are so much worse for Trevor, but every day just brings more heartache. He has fluid building up in his lungs, so he has to go on a ventilator now to help him to breathe (they are doing that as I type this) and to clear the fluid. When we visited him they had an oxygen mask on his nose and mouth and he asked me to take it off. We explained that it couldn't be taken off, because it was helping him to breathe, but he kept saying "Take it off, take it off" the more I explained I couldn't the more he kept repeating it angrilly "take it off, take it off". I have tried so hard not to cry when I'm with him, but that was just too much for Nicole and I to handle and we both were crying. I feel so awful, he's asking me to help him and I can't do what he's asking....how does someone deal with that....I feel like a horrible person. I know I couldn't do what he wanted, but it was the one thing he asked of me and I had to refuse him....What makes matters worse, is that I know there are only going to be more and more of moments like that, and I'm dreading them....

His emotional state is not good and until that improves, only family will be allowed to visit. I don't want him subjected to too many other visitors when he is struggling to cope with his own situation. He has enough to deal with now....its enough that we tell him all the time that everyone is thinking of him and sending him wishes and praying for him. I know that all his friends will understand, that this is for his own emotional well being. We know they all want to see him, but he has to come first. We will keep on passing on all your well wishes to him so he knows you are all thinking of him all the time.

Another day Sun 3/5/15

7.20am: Last night I resorted to taking a sleeping tablet, because although I felt tired, it was not the kind of tired that would enable me to sleep. What I didn't expect was how the tablet would affect me (I've taken them before), within about 20mins of me taking it I was wobbly on my feet and it seemed to my eyes like everything was moving, even the walls *sigh*. I staggered to bed and slept like a log until about 6.15am. My last thoughts at night are of Trevor and my first thought in the morning.

There have been times in the past when he has gone on weekend hikes or other reasons why he wasn't here.....but this feels so different. The house feels so empty and often I turn round to say something to him and then remember he isn't here :( but yet when I visit him and see him lying there, my throat seems to close up and my mind goes blank and I just want to cry and have to use all the willpower I have to stop myself from crying. My brain seems to struggle to find a thread of thought....anything I can talk to him about, but it feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Then when I do have a thought, I worry about if its something I should be talking to him about or not.

He's been getting very annoyed about the moles coming up in our backyard and yesterday morning when I went to feed the cat, there was a molehill and my first thought was "oh boy, Trevor is going to be so mad" and then of course as usual, I cried, because Trevor isn't here to deal with the mole. When I visited him, I debated if I should mention it or not...but in the end decided to make a bit of a joke about it, telling him I found a mole hill and get must get better soon so he can deal with the mole. Of course, now I sit and worry if I should have done that or not. This is all new territory to me....I never know what its best to say or not say :(

So many things mill around in my mind, silly little things and the bigger things that might need to be deal with in the near future and the slightly more distant future. So I worry about things like keeping the car running (I don't drive) and that made me realize that I will now HAVE to get my licence *sigh*. I worry about his leave from work....normal sick leave is easy to know what to do....but this is a whole new ballgame. I know that Trevor will most likely be in a wheelchair, hopefully that will only be temporary, but at this point we dont know, so even though that isn't things we need to really worry about yet...its still a worry that is going on in my mind. Is our house okay for a wheelchair, is there anything we'll have to change.

I know I should just deal with one thing at a time, but my mind keeps bombarding me with these thoughts and I can't seem to stop it. Right now my focus is to get Trevor new glasses....thats something I know how to handle and the process has been started. When I told him I was going to get him new glasses, he told me not to worry about that and I know he probably feels he doesn't need them....but he will....as he gets better I know it will frustrate him to not be able to see well and by the time he feels he wants them...I should have them ready for him.

It feels like its been a week, but its only been a few days :( and irrationally I look at strangers living their daily lives, smiling, laughing, doing all those normal things and I get angry with them, it seems to unfair that they all just go on with their lives, when our lives feel like they have halted. I know its a stupid thought, but I still think it, I just can't seem to help it.

We always joke about the 'Ward OCD problem' and how fixated Trevor gets on things, but I am counting on that to help him get through this. I am counting on him getting fixated on his recovery and a bit later, fixated on physiotherapy and rehab and that that will help him create the miracle we are all praying for.

Day Two

 

 

 

Its day two and I've visited Trevor three times today. He seems more alert, a bit more talkative and saying some things that make him sound more like the Trevor we all know and love. This afternoon he told me he was bored, which definately means he's more himself. This evening, I joked with him and told him that this is a pathetic way to try and get out of hanging the new backdoor that we had bought. Matthew then said he would hang the door and Trevor told him 'not to F it up' LOL so he's definately a bit more himself. It awesome how family and friends are all rallying around to keep our spirits up with messages. At the moment only family are allowed to visit him, but when he is feeling better, then more friends will be allowed to visit.

A couple of 'stories' to do with all this. One of our friends that was hiking with them when Trevor fell, was so anxious and upset when she messaged her Mom to let her know what happened, that she actually cracked the screen of her phone. The other thing happened this evening when we went to visit Trevor. The sister at the hospital told me that a man had phoned asking for details about Trevor, but their policy is not to tell anyone information, so she took down his name and number. She told me the man told her that him and his son had been hiking on the mountain when it happened and then I realized it must have been the guy who was apparently below Trevor when he fell, so him and his teenage son had seen Trevor fall past them. When Matthew and Seleste told me about that yesterday, as worried as I was about Trevor, I was VERY concerned for the mans son who had seen what happened, I realized that it must have been traumatic for him and it stayed in my mind, because I thought we had no way of knowing if his son was okay after seeing it, so it was a godsend that he traced the hospital Trevor was in. When Matthew brought me home, he phoned the guy and was able to at least tell him how Trevor was doing and could ask him how him and his son were doing too. They were quite traumatised by it, but I think they will get a bit of relief now they actually could find out how Trevor was and the guy said he will keep in touch with Matthew.
Everything might not always be in any kind of chronological order, because I will probably ramble on about things as I think about them. I at least managed to eat something today, so that was a positive for me.
When this happened, I knew Trevor would never forgive me if I didn't take some pics, so I took some from where I was as they brought him down, I will attach a few of those here. ( I hope the pics show, because its not easy to figure this out)
http://www.netwerk24.com/nuus/2015-05-02-stapper-val-15m-ver-in-digte-mis-op-tafelberg-roete