7.20am: Last night I resorted to taking a sleeping tablet, because although I felt tired, it was not the kind of tired that would enable me to sleep. What I didn't expect was how the tablet would affect me (I've taken them before), within about 20mins of me taking it I was wobbly on my feet and it seemed to my eyes like everything was moving, even the walls *sigh*. I staggered to bed and slept like a log until about 6.15am. My last thoughts at night are of Trevor and my first thought in the morning.
There have been times in the past when he has gone on weekend hikes or other reasons why he wasn't here.....but this feels so different. The house feels so empty and often I turn round to say something to him and then remember he isn't here :( but yet when I visit him and see him lying there, my throat seems to close up and my mind goes blank and I just want to cry and have to use all the willpower I have to stop myself from crying. My brain seems to struggle to find a thread of thought....anything I can talk to him about, but it feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Then when I do have a thought, I worry about if its something I should be talking to him about or not.
He's been getting very annoyed about the moles coming up in our backyard and yesterday morning when I went to feed the cat, there was a molehill and my first thought was "oh boy, Trevor is going to be so mad" and then of course as usual, I cried, because Trevor isn't here to deal with the mole. When I visited him, I debated if I should mention it or not...but in the end decided to make a bit of a joke about it, telling him I found a mole hill and get must get better soon so he can deal with the mole. Of course, now I sit and worry if I should have done that or not. This is all new territory to me....I never know what its best to say or not say :(
So many things mill around in my mind, silly little things and the bigger things that might need to be deal with in the near future and the slightly more distant future. So I worry about things like keeping the car running (I don't drive) and that made me realize that I will now HAVE to get my licence *sigh*. I worry about his leave from work....normal sick leave is easy to know what to do....but this is a whole new ballgame. I know that Trevor will most likely be in a wheelchair, hopefully that will only be temporary, but at this point we dont know, so even though that isn't things we need to really worry about yet...its still a worry that is going on in my mind. Is our house okay for a wheelchair, is there anything we'll have to change.
I know I should just deal with one thing at a time, but my mind keeps bombarding me with these thoughts and I can't seem to stop it. Right now my focus is to get Trevor new glasses....thats something I know how to handle and the process has been started. When I told him I was going to get him new glasses, he told me not to worry about that and I know he probably feels he doesn't need them....but he will....as he gets better I know it will frustrate him to not be able to see well and by the time he feels he wants them...I should have them ready for him.
It feels like its been a week, but its only been a few days :( and irrationally I look at strangers living their daily lives, smiling, laughing, doing all those normal things and I get angry with them, it seems to unfair that they all just go on with their lives, when our lives feel like they have halted. I know its a stupid thought, but I still think it, I just can't seem to help it.
We always joke about the 'Ward OCD problem' and how fixated Trevor gets on things, but I am counting on that to help him get through this. I am counting on him getting fixated on his recovery and a bit later, fixated on physiotherapy and rehab and that that will help him create the miracle we are all praying for.
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