I'm starting this blog, because I need to talk about things and say things and I know I won't always want to worry my family with it. Writing and the written word are my way of working through things, so this is my way of doing that...working through things and also to let family and friends know what is going on, without having to continually repeat things...which at this point only makes me cry.
Yesterday my husband, Trevor, had a fall while hiking. He's a seasoned hiker, who spent a lot of time on the mountain, we do not know exactly what happened, even though family and friends were with him, including my eldest daughter Seleste and my son Matthew, but they didn't see exactly what happened.
I was not with them and when Seleste, phoned me, at first I thought she was playing a joke on me (Trevor is part of a mountain rescue group and we always joked that he must never fall, because it will be embarassing for a rescuer to be rescued), when I realized she wasn't joking, all I could do was cry and my mind went blank and I had no idea what to do....but then I realized I was still in my pajamas so I should probably get dressed. By the time I got clothes ready, my younger daughter, Nicole had arrived at my house with her boyfriend, Kevin (they had not gone on the hike and Seleste had phoned her to tell her to come to me) and I asked them to take me to the bottom of Table Mountain, which is the mountain they were hiking on.
The news I had at that point, was vague and I knew it was a fairly bad fall and that he had a laceration on his head and it seemed that his shoulder was dislocated, but that he was conscious and talking. When I got over the first shock of what happened, I was not too concerned, I was thinking...okay, its a concussion, he will probably have to spend the night in hospital and have his shoulder strapped up.
The rescue team, Skymed, Metro Rescue Hikers Network and the Mountain Club of South Africa (forgive me if I've left anyone out), were all awesome. They were so concerned for Trevor and for all of us. Thank goodness for cellphones and whatsapp, because it helped me keep in touch with Seleste and Matthew on the mountain and with everyone else. There was quite a long wait till Trevors extration from the mountain could be arranged, but with him involved in mountain rescue, I knew all that was involved which took time.
When the chopper landed and I could finally see Trevor, that was when my panic really started. He was so pale and seemed to struggle to open his eyes when I spoke to him and his eyes were rolling back in his head....it was then that I had the feeling that things could maybe be worse than I had thought, but what the 'worse' might be...my mind just refused to comprehend. Nicole, Kevin and I followed the amulance to the hospital and then was more waiting, while Trevor's condition was assessed by the trauma doctor. After a lengthy and worrying wait, during which more family and friends arrived, including Matthew and Seleste who had had to walk down to mountain before they could come to the hospital, we finally got news from the doctor and it wasn't good news.
He told us that Trevor's condition was serious and that at that point in time, it seemed that he might be quadraplegic, but that they had called in a neurosurgeon for a consult. I'm sure all the blood drained from my face and I suddenly realized the full horror of this and that my thoughts of an overnight stay and strapped shoulder was way too far from reality. I didn't know what to say and in my head I just kept thinking it was some bad dream, that they must be wrong, that this is NOT something that would happen to Trevor. I think the only thing that kept me going, was that thought that it surely must be wrong...this can't be happening...Trevor is a hiker, a runner, an active person....this just can't happen to him...it just can't.
Later, we got more news....there was damage to the vertebrae in Trevor's neck and some swelling of the spinal cord, we were told that he seemed to have movement in his arms, but that we need to be aware, that full recovery of mobility with an injury like this was rare. Rare...that is the word that is keeping us all going I think...that means, there is still hope, even if its slight.
The neurosurgeon was great, he explained things in a way that was easy for us to grasp and later in the surgical ICU, the sisters were all great too and the anesthesiast too. All that helped a lot. Trevor was operated on in a 3.5 hour surgery to try to at least realign the vertabrae a bit more normally and the surgeon was happy with how it went.
Now comes the waiting game and many, many visits to the hospital. We have been told that it will be about 5 days in ICU, then a stay in the general ward and after that rehab, but it looks like it will be at least 3 months before he might come home again. At this point, I'm not sure how much Trevor has compreheneded about what happened and his condition, I'm hoping he will be more aware when we go visit him today.
I have done a lot of crying....when I go on fb and see the comments and messages...it gives me comfort, but each comment or message also makes me cry more....such stupid silly things make me cry now. Yesterday, just before all this happened, I had filled the sink to do dishes and when I got up this morning after having only about 2 hours of sleep, I decided that was something that had to get dealt with, but even something as silly as washing Trevor's mug just made me cry. Then I remembered that last night I had put the washing that has been wet in the washing machine into the tumble dryer, so I went to get it out and some of Trevor's clothes were in there, so of course, I cried again...then as I sorted out the washing...I suddenly realized that it might be a while before I need to wash any of Trevor's clothes again and so yet again I started crying.
I gave up for a bit and made a cup of tea, but then remembered that Trevor's glasses were lost on the mountain, so I needed to see if I could find his previous pair for him to wear. I seached high low in the house in all the places Trevor puts his things, but all I could find was a VERY old pair of glasses from too many years ago, at that point I just sat down on the floor and sobbed. I feel so helpless...I know what its like to not see well (I wear glasses too) and I can't even help him with that....nothing I can do can help him. I know when he is more aware, I can ask him where his glasses are and bring them to him or get him new ones....but it kinda devastates me that I can't even do the simplest thing to make him more comfortable.
I know that in the days and weeks to come there are going to be many such moments for me and for all of us and its just something we will all have to help each other through...There were a few times I broke down and cried yesterday at the scene and later at the hospital, but I find it difficult to cry when everyone needs to feel strong....its when I'm alone that I feel I can freely cry as much as I want without making people worry more. I know they won't mind if I cry in front of them....but this is who I am....I'm the person who prefers to cry alone and be strong when others are around....its the reason I asked to be alone when I got home last night....I needed that time to just be able to cry without anyone worrying about me, we all have enough to worry about right now.
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