Can we go now

3/5/15 13.20pm - "Can we go now" Trevor asking me that today just broke my heart, I want him to be more aware and talkative, but the more aware and talkative he is, the more I know he is aware of his situation and the more bored and frustrated and depressed he would be. It wasn't bad enough he said it once, he said it a few times and knowing that the meds etc are probably making him a bit confused, each time he asked, I had to patiently explain to him that we couldn't go just yet, that we had to let him heal and listen to the doctors who say he needs to stay and get well. I said it calmly, when all I wanted to do was cry :( and eventually because others were at his bed, I just had to walk out, down the passage and just let the tears flow.

I've seen so many tv shows or movies where people go through things like this and I've always known it was difficult, but you don't quite grasp it, until its you and your family going through it yourselves. I try to joke a bit with him to try keep his mood up, but I know its going to be more and more difficult as time goes on. The better he feels, the more he is going to be thinking about what the future holds and the more he is going to ask and know about his situation, that scares me so much. I've suffered from depression, I know what its like and I'd give anything to be able to save him from that, but I know depression will be part of this and we will all have to help him through it.

16.38pm - I went to visit Trevor again this afternoon. The male nurse looking after him is so sweet (he hugged me this morning because I looked upset) and told us today that they tried to put a feeding tube into Trevor's stomach to feed him, because he's not eating well. They weren't successful with it, so he said they would try again later after visiting time. Trevor's frustration is showing again, he clearly told me today "Can't go anywhere, can't do anything" and my heart sinks. I feel so helpless because sometimes he says things very clearly and other times he says things to me and no matter how hard I listen I just can't understand/hear what he is saying...that makes me want to cry and I feel so frustrated because he's trying to tell me something and I don't know what and then I feel worse, because I'm sure he's frustrated because I don't know what he wants to tell me.

What keeps me going is that I know that every day his body is healing, even if we don't see signs of it and every day, is one day closer to the next 'milestone' I am rooting for and that is him being able to sit up more, so he can at least see what is going on around him and watch some tv. I know that will at least lessen his boredom. THAT, is my goalpost at the moment...its what I am aiming for at this stage...just for him to at least be able to sit up more.

There are so many pictures being posted by the members of the rescue team on fb and today I asked one of Trevor's fellow Hikers Network team members, Anwaaz to collect all the pics and to keep them somewhere in one folder, so that later when Trevor is able, if he wants to, he can see all the pics himself.

Visiting Trevor is awesome but at the same time, its very stressful. I want to see him, but I feel under pressure when there.....to not cry......to think of things to talk about.....to try make him feel better......to not say something that will make him feel worse etc etc Its so difficult to see him just lying there...Trevor never just lies around, he was always doing something...

9pm - This is so hard, I know its petty that I say its so hard, when things are so much worse for Trevor, but every day just brings more heartache. He has fluid building up in his lungs, so he has to go on a ventilator now to help him to breathe (they are doing that as I type this) and to clear the fluid. When we visited him they had an oxygen mask on his nose and mouth and he asked me to take it off. We explained that it couldn't be taken off, because it was helping him to breathe, but he kept saying "Take it off, take it off" the more I explained I couldn't the more he kept repeating it angrilly "take it off, take it off". I have tried so hard not to cry when I'm with him, but that was just too much for Nicole and I to handle and we both were crying. I feel so awful, he's asking me to help him and I can't do what he's asking....how does someone deal with that....I feel like a horrible person. I know I couldn't do what he wanted, but it was the one thing he asked of me and I had to refuse him....What makes matters worse, is that I know there are only going to be more and more of moments like that, and I'm dreading them....

His emotional state is not good and until that improves, only family will be allowed to visit. I don't want him subjected to too many other visitors when he is struggling to cope with his own situation. He has enough to deal with now....its enough that we tell him all the time that everyone is thinking of him and sending him wishes and praying for him. I know that all his friends will understand, that this is for his own emotional well being. We know they all want to see him, but he has to come first. We will keep on passing on all your well wishes to him so he knows you are all thinking of him all the time.