7.57am - I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is think of Trevor and cry :( Today I made the mistake of trying to do some research on google about injuries like Trevor's, but eventually I could no longer read from the tears in my eyes, so I decided that now wasn't the time, the information from the doctor is all I can deal with right now.
Trevor and I had been going to the local trim park three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...doing a long walk there, doing some exercise on the machines and then running (most of the way) back, obviously that didn't happen on Friday and knowing that I haven't been eating or sleeping much, and that I tend to cry often, I decided that the usual trim park session would be too much, so I thought I might just do a run around the block, which Trevor and I had done on occasion on a Tuesday and/or Thursday. Our exercise time was normally 8.30am, but today I am going to see a counselor at 9.15am, so I will try do my run later. Now more than ever, I realize that its important that I need to keep fit and strong, because Trevor will be needing me.
Although I am looking forward to seeing him later this morning, I'm also dreading it, because it will be the first time we visit him since the ventilator was inserted. He won't be able to speak to us and I know that will make him even more frustrated and depressed :( I feel so desperate and devastated, but I know I can't fall apart now, Trevor needs me and will need me more in the future, so I just keep plodding on, trying to do things to keep me going. I'd like to say that doing things takes my mind off what happened, but it doesn't, its in my mind constantly and the only respite I get is when I sporadically sleep in the night.
12.46pm - Got back from visiting Trevor...its so hard to see him like that, so still, so quiet. He is under light sedation because of the ventilator, but because we believe he can still hear us, we keep talking to him. When I see him like that...I find it so difficult to know what to say, so I make sure I hold his hand, or stroke his arm or shoulder or face, just so he knows I'm there and can feel my touch even if I'm not continually talking to him.
4.30pm - This afternoons visit was a bit less stressful for me, Trevor being under sedation is a mixed blessing....on one hand, I want him to be able to talk with us, but on the other hand, I know that him being sedated is more rest for him and also it makes it a bit less stressful for me. This is the first day since it happened, that I've been more calm and I've only cried a few times today, so thats an improvment for me. I was very pleased to see that when we visited Trevor that they had his bed propped up a bit, a folded towel under his head to raise it slightly and they had taken away the props they had on either side of his head. To me, thats a very good sign and it eased my mind a bit. His boss has also assured us that he is taking care of things on that side and will see that we are looked after and that they will pay for any councelling we might need, so that is another thing that eased my mind.
I've been to every visiting hour since this happened, so as Trevor is sedated now, I decided that I will skip this evenings visit so that I can get some R & R that I need to keep my strength and spirits up.
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